Yes, Jesus . . . I'm Still Here.

One of the things I hold most dear is my faith in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately for me I'm still a struggling human. Most of my adult life I have battled with my inner demons, battled with others and battled with myself to survive. Living with bipolar disorder doesn't help either and also the realization that I more than 99.9% likely inherited it from my father. For those of you who are relatively sane, I commend you. Or actually envy you. At the moment I'm having a pretty good week but it's one of those things where you don't know what's going to happen to change the good week or the good day or the good month or the good year. I don't even remember the last time I went more than 30 days without suddenly feeling I'm the most worthless thing on the planet. I don't know what's worse. The utter sense of hopelessness or just feeling worthless.

In all my misery I have always tried to hold on to the fact that God is there to support me, to make it better, to lead me through the darkness and back to the light once again. I just wish I would quit getting lost. I've been lost for almost a year now. Haven't been to church since . . . last summer, I think. But that's not to say I haven't had talks with God or walked with Him since that time. In fact I had the most wonderful spiritual experience last September called the Walk to Emmaus. A friend of mine who had already done the Walk sponsored me. A group of 30 women gather for a 4 day weekend to listen, discuss, participate in God's purpose for them and their spiritual walk thereafter. That weekend was the first I had ever experienced Agape love. People that I had never laid eyes on were there to serve us meals, pray for us and show us that things of this world can be left behind for a greater meaning. We took our problems, fears, self-doubt and gave them all to God. However I have a hard time letting Him keep my problems. I slowly start stealing them back from Him and I can almost see Him shaking His head with sadness at the fact that I refuse to let it all go.

Not to say I haven't let a lot go over the last 15 years of my adult life. My dad's suicide when I was a high school senior, the rage that would pulse through me that I was convinced was his essence trying to take possesion of me even in death, my post-partum depression after Victor was born and the horrible guilt I felt for things I thought. In all my deepest misery, some how, some way, I would stumble my way back to the only saving grace I had ever experienced. God's love. For people who are atheists, agnostic or even were raised believing but now don't care, I can't imagine how they get through horrible dark times. Turning to alcohol, drugs, sexual addictions are what most of these poor souls find. For all my turbulent times growing up with an emotionally abusive father, not once did I turn to any of these vices. And I truly owe it to my faith in my Lord and Savior. But I also live with the realization that I'm not perfect and never will be. I will continually fall but continually pray to God that He will be there to pick me up.

I am not afraid to call myself a sinner. I am. Anyone who says they're not a sinner are kidding themselves. We are human. We are prone to make bad choices. Lord knows I have made a crapload and I will keep on making bad choices. But I have comfort in the fact that I have the desire to make better choices for myself and my family. I have comfort in the fact that God will lead me down the right paths even though I'm looking off to the side to that wide lane of highway where everyone else seems to be having such a good ol time. Who said being a Christian is easy? They are a liar. Being a Christian is the hardest thing a person can be. You care constantly scrutinized by non-believers who are quick to point out your downfalls from the path of faith. You are also scrutinized by your fellow Christians who can be judgemental and unforgiving. This is why I have to remind myself that PEOPLE will always let me down but Jesus Christ will never let me down. I think that's one reason my desire to be a part of an organized worship service has soured. Too many masks -- even the pastor wears a mask at times. Powerful behind the pulpit but stone-cold one on one. Who needs that? I need a spiritual advisor that's going to comfort me and remind me of the power of God and prayer. I have experienced the power of prayer too many times to deny that I have something in my life that is beyond my complete understanding.

That's not to say I can't feel Satan working on me. He loves to plague me with doubts -- doubts in myself and my faith. He also likes to show me things that I could have or achieve if I would just come over to his side and take that wide path that so many people are traveling. Yeah, being a Christian is constant war between good and evil. However once you accept that saving grace from God, there's nothing you can't get through. I'm living proof of that and if you knew me personally you would understand exactly. I used to be scared of death. Not really knowing what was on the other side. If there was even a other side, but now my biggest fear is people that I love that have no relationship with God will not have the comfort that I have in trusting there is a better place waiting for us. My new fear of this life is growing old. My body giving out on me. My husband leaving me alone while he goes on to be with God. My friends, my family. But then it all comes back to the knowledge that it's all a stepping stone and it's only temporary. I will see them again. I have faith. And you can too . . .